So the last couple of days have been pretty stressful for me. Work troubles you ask? Nope. Deadlines looming? Got in there just in time. Missed JT week on Jimmy Fallon?….caught it on t’internet thank you very much, the new album is pretty hot too…er sorry off topic.
No the last couple of days have been stressful for one other reason.
Now I don’t really mind the snow usually. I have no opinion on it actually.
However, saying all that, the snow is causing me some serious worry in the fact that I have not been able to run the last couple of days.
Wait?! That’s why you are stressed? You haven’t been able to run?
Yep that’s right. I’m running a marathon in a few weeks and I don’t want to fall back on my plan.
Yeah yeah, but seriously… stressed because you can’t run?
Hang on inner self blog dialogue you are supposed to be on my side!
Thank you. I will.
Since I have been training for this marathon I have been getting really good at going out running. Sure some things have had to fall by the side including writing, but I have built up some great habits in the last few months which I thought were beyond me.
When I started to run again the habits I formed looked a little like this every time I ran.
1. Get off twitter.
2. Get changed into my running gear.
3. Get off twitter again.
5. Stop watching unfunny youtube clips of people dressed up not even that silly and dancing to a stupid song then waiting for other people to join them dancing stupid and still not funny and repeating this over and over… and over. You are better than this.
6. Restretch after wasting your time.
7. Open apartment door.
8. Open building door.
9. Run to end of street.
10. Keep running.
This was the extent of my training plan right at the beginning. My plan was not to run a particular route or even a particular distance. I wasn’t concerned with how quick I ran, I just had to run.
When there is something that you love to do or even know will be good for you, you usually don’t want to do it. Stephen Pressfield calls this ‘Resistance’.
It is debilitating and can ruin your life. If you let it.
I decided I wanted to run the marathon back in December and it is now fast approaching the end of March. Back in January I didn’t want to run.
Honestly…I still don’t want to run.
But I have to.
Not because I have made a promise to myself and stupidly have made this declaration of running my second marathon too many times in public now to go back; but because something inside is pushing me to run
I can’t explain it. I don’t really want to either but it is there.
Nagging me every morning to get up early and run.
It’s there when I imagine overtaking my last year’s self at the 18mile point when all I want to do is stop and eat a whole Battenburg.
It’s there in the runs in the rain where I don’t even notice that I am soaking wet.
It’s the times that I run the same route a week later but this time a few minutes faster.
It’s the feeling when you have run 15 miles and it feels like you are just bones.
It’s not in people telling me how well I am doing.
It’s in my own voice.
There is the other voice of resistance. At first it was deep and loud and harsher than any other voice. It was too big to quiet at once so I started by tying my shoe laces.
At first that was an achievement.
Starting something worthwhile is not always pretty. It won’t go entirely the way you plan and at some point you will hit a wall. But that’s ok because if that happens you start again. You take the bad experiences and remember they are just moments that everyone faces. You remember the wins and you get out again.
But you might have to start small. You might have to build up to where you want to be but
I’m not there yet and you know what? I may still quit. That’s the frightening and honest aspect we all need to face. Resistance won’t go away and we will need to face it.
It might take the form of criticism or an injury or not even caring or wanting to eat Chocolate cake.
Whatever it is for you it can be dulled and become almost inaudible. The trick is remembering to start small, to build that up and gain speed.
Which, if you’re like me, may just be as simple
as tying your shoelaces.